I am not the “glass is half-full” kind of girl, but I believe I am the “happy-to-have-a-glass” kind of girl, at least 99.999% of the time. Not this past Thursday, nope. Neither the half-full nor happy-to-have-a-glass type of girl was anywhere in sight. Yes, someone had pissed, not in my cheerios, but in my glass on Thursday. I have no idea what provoked me or why I was cranky.
A few daring colleagues attempted to steer my current mental state in a positive direction, only to be given a glaring look that translated into “back the f’ck up off me.” Again, all my basic needs had been met, I had coffee, ate, and was given all the tools I needed to perform my job successfully, but I couldn’t shake my misery. Every person, place, and thing irritated the shit out of me.
I will not give excuses or dig up reasons for not working my way into a better headspace. I could, but I won’t. Thursday was a day I chose to wallow in, appearing bitchy, and allowing others to see a side of myself that was very unbecoming.
Silence and Reflection
I arrived at an empty home. My son and husband had plans, so it was just the dog and me for the next four hours. After letting our cockapoo out, changing into pjs, and eating a sandwich, I perched on my couch and reflected on my day. I did not like what I recalled. Acknowledging that I took others’ kindness, tossed it aside, and ushered back ungratefulness, I sank into the sofa cushions with embarrassment. The day was compiled of moments filled with ugliness. It left me mentally and physically exhausted, having walked through the day with a constant killjoy energy. I’ve had “bad” days, but today was not one of those. It was not a day filled with events that transpired into eight hours of conflict and adversity. There was no rationale for my attendance for the last ten hours; I had simply chosen to remain aloof, impatient, quick-tempered, and pessimistic. After mentally reviewing my actions and choices, I concluded that I would not tolerate the person I witnessed today. I am better than that; the version of myself I want to appear tomorrow differs from the person I allowed to take up space today. We all have days, weeks, and maybe years when we don’t show up the way we should, and we ALL have a version of ourselves that is much better than that. Don’t give up on yourself; you ARE better than that!